Typical of this time of year, the thaw that comes at the beginning of April has local rivers flowing — and flooding. There are a number of dams nearby that begged to be visited by my husband who has a hankering for fishing. We took Finn there to scope out the dams at which the water level of our lake is regulated. During these visits Joel sat whispering to Finn of future fishing adventures together.
Lately we’ve begun carefully laying plans for life after my maternity leave. Just as I couldn’t have imagined how life would look with baby, I find it difficult to truly know how it will feel to juggle work and the cocktail of emotions that will go along with leaving my baby in someone else’s care during week days. Will I be overwhelmed with guilt if he can’t bare the separation from me? Or will I battle jealousy of the woman who will become his daytime comfort? Worse yet, what if I am blanketed by relief at the thought of a full eight whole hours unburdened by the effort of caring for my son — which surely would be followed by more feelings of guilt.
As the months pass steadily by, I know it’s only a matter of time before the day arrives when Finn can no longer attached to me during all hours of the day. Already I’ve become all too aware of how quickly each stage has passed, and while I still look down at my little nurseling’s face and see the baby he was the moment we met, sometimes I catch glimpses of something else — someone else. The boy he is far too quickly becoming.
So then, there’s nothing to do except soak up every moment with him. Pay attention to every cautious reach, toothy smile, every chiming “ma ma ma”. Breathe deeply of his scent with every snuggle, and kiss that place between his ear and his shoulder that brings forth deep roars of giggles every time. Enjoy the beginnings of his sweet personality as he learns new games to play with Da Da and develops a language all his own with which to communicate with his Ma Ma.
Since I can’t stop time, the least I can do is embrace each moment as it’s given.